


In Which James Slowly Accumulates Kneazles

by TeachUsSomethingPlease



Series: A Hat Dumps the Universe on Its Head [6]
Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Gen, Jily FOREVER, Kneazles, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Pets, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, jily, wolfstar if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:27:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26406496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeachUsSomethingPlease/pseuds/TeachUsSomethingPlease
Summary: Pets the Marauders had throughout their time at Hogwarts, and how they effected the world around them.ORThe real reasons:Remus forgave SiriusLily found James un-repulsiveSirius didn't die of the Cruciatus-ShakesRavenclaw doesn't kidnap people for experimentsStudents are allowed an owl OR a cat OR a toad
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: A Hat Dumps the Universe on Its Head [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904803
Comments: 8
Kudos: 72





	In Which James Slowly Accumulates Kneazles

**Author's Note:**

> This is silly, but not enough to be crack, I don't think so. I genuinely think the Marauders would end up doing this.

James Potter goes to Hogwarts in 1971 without a pet.

“Mum thinks I’m not responsible enough to look after one,” he says annoyedly, stretching on his seat. “It’s not like I’m going to let it die or something… I think she was just angry after I painted Missy and her kits blue.”

Sirius Black goes to Hogwarts in 1971 without a pet.

“Blue, eh?” he asks, with a quirk of the brow. “Could be it, mate. I haven’t got one either. My lot didn’t think I needed one.”

James grimaces. “Tough luck.”

“I suppose,” Sirius replies.

Remus Lupin goes to Hogwarts in 1971 without a pet. He’s quiet about it, but his family really can’t deal with the stress of caring for a werewolf and an animal.

Peter Pettigrew goes to Hogwarts in 1971 with a pet.

It’s a pet rock.

* * *

James Potter goes to Hogwarts in 1972 with a pet.

“This is Ginger,” he beams, arms clamped around an enormous, slightly tubby Kneazle. “One of Missy’s.”

Remus Lupin goes to Hogwarts in 1972 without a pet.

“She’s cute,” he says, scratching the cat behind the ears. “But… you named her after Lily?”

“Yeah,” James replied.

Sirius Black goes to Hogwarts in 1972 without a pet.

“Jamie,” he snorts, “You’ve got it bad.”

“Do not!” James exclaims indignantly.

Peter Pettigrew goes to Hogwarts in 1972 with his pet rock.

“James,” he says nervously, “Why is Ginger staring at Pebbly?”

Ginger is nothing like her namesake. Ginger likes to kick over goblets and sit in bowls of porridge and leave ink tracks along the common room walls. McGonagall despairs of it. Sirius reckons James has brought his soulmate to school. James goes to hit Sirius with a book, but Ginger beats him to it, knocking a pot of ink into his lap. One day Ginger drops a rock into the lake. Peter is distraught, claiming Pebbly can’t survive 10 hours without air. James holds a funeral for Pebbly. They bury him next to Hagrid’s hut. Ginger and Fang dig up Pebbly, go marauding in the forest, and get Pebbly eaten by Aragog. Remus has to hurriedly hide the evidence while James and Sirius spend an hour redirecting Peter from the outside world. Meanwhile, Aragog gets indigestion.

According to Hagrid, he regrets nothing.

* * *

James Potter comes back in 1993 with two Kneazles, Ginger and Minnie.

“Say hi, Minnie – ow!” he yelps, as Minnie claws his leg. Minnie is a grouchy cat.

Sirius Black still doesn’t have his pet in 1993.

“Mate, you got balls,” he says, shaking his head. “You named your cat after Minnie. Good Merlin.”

Peter Pettigrew, who has forgiven James for the Pebbly incident, brings a Streeler in 1993.

“Do you think she’ll be cross?’ he asks anxiously, as the tank in his hands makes lettuce-munching noises.

“Nah,” James said, just as Sirius laughs, “Hell yeah, Pete!”

Remus Lupin makes do with chocolate frogs in 1993.

“We’ll give you a nice funeral, I promise,” he says blandly, biting the head off his frog. Ginger watches the action and copies it on an Ice Mouse. Minnie attempts to eat James’s shoelace.

Professor McGonagall doesn’t kill James. In fact she seems caught between exasperation and flattery. This doesn’t stop her from giving the four detention when the entire Great Hall is submerged in five inches of water – water full of real live fish and a number of hungry, soggy cats. Sirius feeds Peter’s streeler, Sticky, a swelling solution, and Peter is later presented with a very, very large snail that won’t shrink down. Peter thinks this is the best thing in the world. Remus questions the wisdom of holding such a large, toxic animal in a tank. James buys Peter a larger tank and a large quantity of purple lettuce, in order to see if Sticky might change colour. Sticky does, in fact, change colour, glowing purple in the dark even as a rainbow cycles within his (Peter’s sure he’s a he) clear box. Marlene picks Sticky up to give him a hug and contracts a bright pink rash that she somehow passes on to Ginger. Remus concludes Sirius’s snail experiment has given Sticky some extra magical properties. Peter is thrilled. Minnie is not amused, and neither is Professor McGonagall.

* * *

Remus Lupin picks up a side job helping his mother crochet sweaters in 1994 and arrives at the train with a large ball of fuzz.

“His name is Monty,” he tells his friends, ignoring Sirius’s giggling (and isn’t it hypocritical, the boy’s laughter is just as girly as Remus’s white bunny).

Peter Pettigrew brings Sticky back to school in an even bigger tank in 1994, because apparently streelers really, _really_ like weeds.

“He’s so fluffy,” he comments, staring with wide eyes as Remus deposits the fluffy, floppy-eared bundle in his lap.

James Potter brings three kneazles in 1994 – Ginger, Minnie, and Albus.

“You’re pushing it there,” Remus comments, as Albus, barely past being a kit, attempts to climb out the thankfully closed window.

Sirius Black is still petless in 1994, and though he forces the feeling away, he feels left out.

“With the name or quantity?” he asks, as Minnie stuffs her head into his box of jellybeans, steals one, and promptly spits it out in disgust.

“Both,” Remus says blandly. “Then again, you two never were all for hiding your mischief, so I don’t suppose it means much to you.” He takes Monty off Peter, who has gone back to feeding Sticky shredded cabbage. “You want to hold him, or are you going to keep snickering.”

“I’ll hold Monty,” Sirius says with dignity. “Someone has to teach him the way of the Marauder.”

As it turns out, James manages to hide the fact he has three kneazles now until Albus runs into the Headmaster, who identifies the catlike creature as rather different to the two he’s used to hearing about from his Deputy Headmistress – this one apparently likes climbing out windows a lot. At this point, Gryffindor tower is far too fond of Albus anyway, so its not like McGonagall can send him back. Nor can she stop the Marauders doing things like eating biscuits in bed, drinking butterbeer in bed, and feeding strange things to their pets. As it turns out, streelers excrete toxins in their slime. Remus hypothesizes coffee and avocado might make Sticky’s slime even more potent. A day later, James is covered in a pink rash from fingertips to neck and lying on the floor trying in vain to stand up, Peter is overly excited, and Sirius has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face anyone has ever seen. Sticky’s slime, rash-causing and limb-weakening but otherwise fine for consumption ends up everywhere, from people’s socks to inside the porridge. Meanwhile, Ginger and Monty burrow so far under the school they create a new secret passageway when they pop out in the forest. James uses it often to sneak out for goodness knows what.

* * *

Sirius Black arrives on the train in 1995 trembling like a leaf, so much so he gets handed two cats and three rabbits with enough fur to bury himself in until his muscles stop spasming. It seems to get worse at first, as Remus Lupin states worriedly, placing a fourth, baby rabbit on his shoulder.

“Belladonna serum,” Sirius stammers out. “Temporarily relaxes the muscles.”

Peter Pettigrew, who arrives on the train in 1995 with Sticky in an odd contraption featuring a false floor and large tray of grass, gently coaxes the streeler out of his shell and holds him while James and Remus cover their oldest socks and hankies in the slime and wipe it on Sirius. He turns bright pink, in more ways than one, but stops shaking.

“So,” Peter says, once Sirius is flopped over across three seats covered in animals, “Four rabbits?”

“Monty found a lady friend,” Remus replies. “Unfortunately, his lady friend was eaten by a fox. Besides, look at James.”

“I’m going to tell McGonagall that the white and black ones are Sirius’s,” James protests. “She was fine with me having three.”

Sirius doesn’t say much, but he’s also drooling a bit, so it might be Sticky speaking – or rather, not speaking. There’s a slight twitch of his face, but it’s unreadable.

Remus ends up giving the three baby bunnies to a second year girl with a surprising quantity of missing milk teeth. Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail, apparently named after a Muggle story, set up a small home in the corner of the Gryffindor common room and are visited often by Monty. Monty and Ginger also continue their work to burrow under the castle. In time, they’re joined by a large black dog, a small rat, and an adolescent stag. The tunnel gets wider. Monty and Ginger don’t quite understand why the animals are so like the humans, but they aren’t judging. It’s not only the nocturnal exploits of the boys that gets on McGonagall’s nerve; Sirius eventually names James’s kits Moony and Jamie (“When I said you had to like the names, I didn’t mean that!”). Peter is indignant. Sirius reassures him that if James ever gives him a third kit to name, the kit’s name will be Pete. Meanwhile, Ginger finds a gentleman friend (much to the real ginger’s irritation) and promptly gives birth to a large litter of kits. Many of these kits mysteriously end up in the Snake Pit – James thinks kneazles are their guilty secret. A particularly scrawny one is adopted by the caretaker. Nobody likes her much, but Filch adores her. At the end of the year, Peter gives Sirius a jar of Sticky’s slime and tells him to keep it safe. Sticky is getting old, and Peter intends to see if he might get some baby Stickies, then allow the snail to retire. The toxins, according to Remus, can’t be good for him.

* * *

In 1996, James Potter and Sirius Black show up side-by-side, beaming and carrying six kneazles – Ginger, Minnie, Albus, Moony, Jamie, and Pete.

“See, I told you I’d keep my promise,” Sirius beams.

Peter Pettigrew doesn’t take a pet for the first time in 1996. He wants Sticky to enjoy his new family.

“Yeah,” he says, cuddling his namesake. “You did.”

“Albus, no!” James yelps, as Albus performs his ritual attempt at escaping the train car via the window.

Remus Lupin brings Monty and Monty alone in 1996.

“Have you considered a leash on that one?” he asks, grabbing Albus by the tail and receiving a slash across the nose for his efforts.

“But Albus is far too dignified for that,” James protests.

Peter snorts. “He’s wearing a purple collar covered in bananas.”

Professor McGonagall has a slight headache spontaneously appear when she sees Sirius and James carrying 6 kneazles between them, but she remembers the numerous episodes she’s beared witness to, the recent events, sighs, and lets them go with it. James has had 3 cats for a while now, anyway, so she can’t very well stop Sirius copying him. At least the girl with three rabbits is now sharing them with 2 younger twin brothers, making 1 rabbit each. While his teacher drinks her weight in strong drink, Peter spends increasing amounts of time helping the others care for their own pets. One full moon night, Remus allows Monty to roam with them. The next thing Gryffindor tower knows, a second blob of fur has moved in, and then the place is teeming with baby bunnies again. There are too many, and in the end, a large quantity of floppy-eared carrot-nibblers are sold to Hufflepuffs with strict instructions not to let them breed, lest the Sett become a bunny sanctuary. The boys are careless with one thing or another – school, people, sometimes even each other – but they throw themselves at their animals. And somehow, it’s hard to think James is nothing but an idiot when he’s teasing Minnie with her favourite toy, or skip over Remus and Peter when they’re valiantly trying to manage Monty and Helga’s next oversized brood of furballs, or hate Sirius when he’s burying himself in interactions with his kneazles, pulling out splinters and curling up with them and, though he vehemently denies it, making kissy faces at them.

* * *

On Christmas of 1997, James has Ginger next to him, Minnie sitting on his feet, Albus in a star-spangled basket, and Ginger curled up by his side, watching as he dangles a feathery toy above Minnie’s head.

“It’s my last year with her,” he tells Lily, jerking the toy just out of the kneazle’s reach. “We’ve got too many at home.”

“What’ll happen to her?” Lily asks, absent-mindedly picking Albus up and placing him on her lap.

“I thought I’d give her to the real Minnie,” James replies. “They sure spend enough time around each other.” He suspects its because McGonagall is an animagus, though he doesn’t know for sure, only that when Minnie isn’t with him, she’s bothering her namesake. “I suppose I’ll end up presenting Albus to Professor Dumbledore… I’m keeping Ginger, though. Both of them.”

Lily laughs and snuggles up to him.

On Valentine’s Day of 1998, the Marauders walk in walk in on Sirius pressing a kiss on Moony’s forehead, and if this isn’t embarrassing, the monumental scratch he gets across his face is. Sirius flushes and splutters as Moony saunters off and James nearly wets himself laughing.

“Doesn’t kiss his kneazles, he says,” Peter snickers. “C’mon Padfoot, we’re going down for lunch.”

“Make sure you get over the rejection, though,” James chortles. “Valentine’s Day is for _love._ ”

“Bugger off,” Sirius grumbles. When he next looks up, Remus is leaning against the doorframe, smirking at him. “What?”

“You coming down, Pads?”

“That why you’re still here?”

“Someone needs to make sure you don’t cast yourself off the nearest tower.”

“Maybe I will.”

Remus rolls his eyes, strides in and grabs Sirius’s hand. “Come on, idiot.”

On Easter of 1998, Remus and Peter are blessed with another round of bunnies.

“That’s it!” Remus exclaims. “No more! I’m separating Monty and Helga!”

“Can’t you neuter them or something?” Peter asks.

“ _I don’t know the spell._ I’m not allowed near it, since James was worried I’d try it on him or Sirius next time I got angry.”

“Huh.”

“Never mind that, what are we meant to do with these?”

To Peter’s slight horror, Ravenclaw tower is forevermore populated with Monty and Helga’s last batch of spawn and their lineage, not that some of them resemble rabbits anymore. Rabbits certainly don’t have the ability to breathe fire.

On the last day of 7th year, Lily has to comfort James, who is sniffling to himself after presenting his two kneazles to his teachers and high-tailing it out of there before either side could change their minds.

“Cheer up, Prongs,” Sirius sighs. “There’s still Ginger, human Ginger, Moony, human Moony, Jamie, Pete, human Pete, and me. And Missy. And Missy’s next batch of kits…”

“But Minnie and Albus were my cats!” James bawls, and Lily shakes her head and hugs him tight.

“I’m leaving Monty behind,” Remus offers. “We finally found a spell to stop him and Helga going at it, and, well, they need to be together and Helga’s a little wild… plus, I hear Louise Johnson’s fond of them…”

Meanwhile, in Dumbledore’s office, a tired Minnie was held by an equally tired Minnie as she presented her proposal to Albus the Human.

“A single cat, a single toad, or a single owl.”

Dumbledore adjusted his spectacles. “Well, it’s been nice, but I suppose it’s for the greater good.”

“It is,” McGonagall sighed, shifting Minnie. “I’ll miss them.”

“The animals, or the boys?” Dumbledore enquires.

It takes a moment, but she reluctantly replies, “Both.”

**Author's Note:**

> And it cuts off here, because this is supposedly canon compliant.


End file.
